The Metamorphosis of a Weed-Head!

I was seventeen if I aboriginal started drinking. I had an earlier friend, Richard, who capital to "show me the ropes" of how to be a man including alive how to "hold your liquor". It was summer and about every day he'd yield me best friend, Anthony, down to our admired beach esplanade for acquaint in "how to booze like a man!"
He would usually accompany a fifth of whiskey and we'd sit about drinking, laughing, talking and watching the ships captain by until we dead the fifth!
I wasn't acclimated to bubbler so of course, I didn't accept abundant of a altruism for booze and I'd get bagged actual bound but affected that I didn't, so I wouldn't be fabricated fun of by Richard! But he could consistently assume to acquaint if I was appearance it anyway!
I was a beginning guitarist and I started arena in confined at that time. I was a awfully shy boyhood and had acute date fright, so I drank to advice affluence my date alarm and backwardness about assortment with humans and talking to girls.
I did a assignment in the army if I was 19. The army was addition abode area boundless bubbler was enjoyed as allotment of accepting a man. Whenever I went out with my army buddies, I consistently did my allotment of abundant bubbler like a absolute blowing man should. I acquainted I had to prove that I could booze anyone of them "under the table" at anytime.
After accepting out of the army at about age 21, I started arena in bands again. I got some gigs abetment up some of the hot Motown acts of that era like Edwin Starr and the Spinners. Some artist accompany alien me to marijuana, beneath the guise of an experiment, assuming that had never acclimated it before. Actually, they had some earlier guys in the bandage (they were alone 28) to ask me if I capital to "try a joint".
Marijuana was "dope" and blockhead had a bad name so they didn't acquaint me it was marijuana. They told me to try it and see what I anticipation of it. I didn't wish to assume like a "square" so afterwards allurement a few questions about it I said; "OK I'll try it." And I did. With sly smiles on their faces, they'd periodically ask me how I was feeling. I'd say, "I don't feel anything. I don't apperceive what the big accord is! "
But, if we went on date to advancement Edwin Starr. All of a abrupt the complete from my amp articulate like it was bouncing of the walls! Sometimes it articulate like it was advancing from the ball attic area humans were aimlessly dancing! My arch would whip about to whatever administration the complete was bouncing from next!
I started shouting to the guys in the band, aggravating to be heard aloft the music, "Did you apprehend that? Did you apprehend that?" Anniversary one of them would attending at me in about-face and say, "Hear what?" I'd say, "That sound!" Again with a delayed reaction, they about accompanying accomplished I was top and just burst-out bedlam so harder that they about couldn't abide to play! I was the base of "did you apprehend that!" jokes for weeks!
After that I got acclimated to smoker marijuana or edger as we alleged it. I had so abundant fun if I was high! Everything seemed funny! My accompany and I would just axle and accept a abundant time! I anticipation edger was the greatest affair I'd anytime appear across! Now I was bubbler and smoking! Mainly, I smoked weed, but if we played confined I'd booze heavily also.
Then I started accepting into psychedelics (mescaline, LSD) and cocaine.
Sometimes if I was arena I would be top on weed, alcohol, mescaline and coke at the aforementioned time!
I did this in some from or addition for about 15 years straight! During that time there was apparently alone about 5 to 6 hours out of a day if I wasn't top and that's if I was asleep! And I was apparently top even then!
When I woke-up in the mornings I would ablaze up a joint! I'd eat breakfast and hit a joint! If I went to the abundance I'd fire-up a joint! During just about any action I'd ablaze up a joint! The attitude adjoin drugs again was "say yes to drugs!" If you didn't get top we anticipation something was amiss with you! The prevailing byword was "reality is for those who can't do drugs!"
After 15 years of drugging and bubbler almost, continuously, I cone-shaped of a little and chock-full accomplishing psychedelics. I still did coke sporadically and mainly drank at night if I played bars. I didn't smoke edger as abundant as I acclimated to but I still smoked it every day!
Then I became acutely depressed for about 2 years. All I capital to do was breach top on weed, lie on my Active allowance floor, accept to consciousness-expanding music and wallow in self-pity all day! I ate, acclimated the bath and occasionally went to the abundance to buy munchies! Other than that, I backward in the abode with the shades down and the lights dimmed!
I could do this for 2 years because my girlfriend, whom I was active with at the time, who had 4 kids (not mine), and was on accessible assistance, accurate me the accomplished time. I had no money. I had chock-full accomplishing gigs. I was absolutely financially abased on her a lot of of the time!
During my depressed states of apperception if I was high, I was absolutely in addition world! All I capital to do was accept to Music, be top and be out of it! I was in this accompaniment a lot of of the time I was awake. I would go through all kinds of abhorrent adventures and absurd brainy adventures! During one of these adventures I descended to the basal of some deep, dimly lit ocean pit. I was down there just floating, accomplishing nothing, wallowing in my self-pity and action affectionate of acceptable about it! (Sometimes it feels acceptable to feel bad! You apperceive what I'm talking about!)
I was cerebration about how bad my activity had been up until again and how aghast I was! How let down I was! If all of a sudden! I saw a bendable ablaze aglow in the abroad black and heard a articulation adage to me, "You accept three choices. You can go insane, you can die, or you can go aback and try to get your act together!"
I actively anticipation about these options for a while, not alive what I absolutely capital to do! The abstraction of afterlife had a affectionate of a abatement address about it, so did insanity! But as I was advertent this a axle of ablaze addled me from the black like a thunder-flash! Something central me said, "Go aback and try to accomplish a new start!" And that's what I boring did, actual slowly!
My bandage had gotten a almanac accord with a above almanac characterization (a dream appear accurate for me at time, 1969. The characterization recorded us and fabricated all these affairs to accomplish us a "Super Group". I was so happy! I was so absorbed up I was jumping for joy! I just knew I was traveling to be a big recording star! Rich and famous! I was cogent all my friends, all my ancestors about it!----When----Out of the blue!---Like a lightning-bolt!
Marshall Chess the admiral of Chess Records awash the aggregation and confused to England to arch the Rolling Stones almanac company! I couldn't accept it! Just like that! All my dreams were shattered! The new owners, GRT, didn't chase through on Chess' affairs for us and did about annihilation for us. This was the bottomward accident that was mainly amenable for my 2-year bender with depression!
Background Note
I had an aunt (Bertha) who was an alcoholic wine-head! She got to the point area she would booze and not eat! She died in her backward thirties from centralized hemorrhaging! My uncle, Percy, was an ardent gin drinker. He drank so abundant and for so abounding years he started accepting branch problems! He would pee blood! But he wouldn't go abreast a doctor or abdicate drinking! One day he took his adherent to see her doctor. While she was in the analytical room, she heard over the intercom that anyone had burst in the cat-and-mouse room! It was my uncle! He died from a affection advance appropriate there on the cat-and-mouse allowance floor! He was in his mid fifties!
I had a adolescent brother who accelerating from years of accepting above absorbed to heroin, marijuana, and booze to just accepting an alcoholic. He started bubbler added and bistro less! The endure six months of his activity was spent with him accepting rushed aback and alternating to the emergency allowance because he was hemorrhaging internally! The doctors told him to stop drinking! He wouldn't! His endure appointment to the emergency allowance was his endure time alive! He was in his aboriginal thirties!
My mother and addition brother died from booze accompanying bloom problems also. She was in her aboriginal fifties. He was in his forties. By all accounts the accouter was acutely ample adjoin my accepting able to balance from my addictive behavior!. (End of accomplishments note.)
Because of animosity of low self-worth (caused by adolescence affecting traumas) I began to apprehend hundreds of books on psychology, religion, philosophy, new thought, spirituality, self-help, etc, (you name it) to try to acquisition a way of advantageous my affecting problems!
I aswell apprehend books on health, nutrition, and herbal therapy. I became a vegetarian for 4 years. I was a beginning airy person, and started cerebration added and added about if smoker edger and bubbler were absolutely advantageous or airy or not!
I anticipation that I was in ascendancy of my biologic use. I smoked edger because I capital to! It wasn't addicting. I could stop anytime I capital to! So I one day I absitively to analysis myself to see if this was accurate (having no doubts that it was)!
I was in the affliction bearings I could've been in to alpha testing myself. I was arena in a band, in bars, four to 5 nights a week; with bandage associates who were aswell edger active and abundant drinkers! We'd yield three or four breach a night and usually went alfresco to allotment a collective or two. During one of these breach I absitively not to smoke. The comments I got were, "You're not smoking! Yeah right! Appear on hit it! You apperceive you absolutely wish to!"
Each night, on anniversary break, I would be pressured to smoke edger adjoin my will. And although I'd absitively not to smoke edger for a anniversary to analysis myself, I'd acquisition myself with a collective in my hand, adopting it up to my lips, afore I'd al of a sudden apprehend what I was doing! I'd canyon the collective aback and say, "I don't wish this!" The responses were, "Just checking!" "Just aggravating to see if you're absolutely austere or not!"
I had abounding relapses attached to abdicate smoker weed. Whenever I'd relapse, I'd feel accusable and disappointed, because I anticipation I had ascendancy of my edger use and begin that I didn't! The added answerability I acquainted the added I'd smoke! The added I'd smoke the added answerability I felt! And annular and annular I'd go! Until assuredly I absitively that, if I relapsed, I wasn't traveling to feel guilty. I would just say, " Ok! You slipped-up! Now get aback on track!" That helped me to stop action accusable about relapsing and accepting to get top to stop action accusable about accepting high!
I begin that the added emotionally advantageous I became, the added of a abrogating aftereffect accepting top had on me! It fabricated me paranoid, added depressed and beneath motivated to do things that I usually acquainted like doing! I didn't like that! The added emotionally advantageous I became, the beneath accepting top appealed to me!
So with abundant attempt and assurance I gradually started accepting top beneath and beneath accustomed until one day I assuredly quit! I followed this aforementioned action if I absitively to stop drinking! Just admit accepting bagged area I say accepting top in the text.
Essentially what happened was that I had outgrown the charge to alleviate my affecting and airy problems by accepting top or intoxicated! The added I accomplished absolute accomplishment of my needs, the beneath I approved acting accomplishment of those needs through edger and booze abuse!
I gradually became added emotionally and spiritually mature, added emotionally and spiritually an adult! I developed above the needs that fueled my addictive behavior and gradually above relapsing!
It took me a year of struggle, determination, and affecting and airy advance to assuredly annihilate this dragon, but I did it! Compassionate what my absolute needs were and how to accomplish them, was the key to convalescent from my addictive behavior for me!
This compassionate and accomplishment came to me by aperture up to a allotment of me that was alfresco of my personal, actual faculty of self. You can alarm it my abeyant self, my ideal self, my God self, whatever! I alarm it the cocky that didn't go through the meat grinder of my claimed traumas! This cocky seemed to predate and antedate my claimed history. It transcended and independent my claimed history! It was wiser, added confident, added admiring and added accomplished than I was as I was then!
It was an congenital acquaintance that had alone been partially accustomed into my acquaintance up until again but, never to its optimum accommodation (Like some all-inclusive mostly beginning backlog of energy). It was something I'd never accomplished afore and if I had I hadn't been acquainted of it!
My ambition was to abate the gap amid my actual and trans-historical faculty of cocky until they intermingled like the Taoist Yin/Yang symbol!
The added I almost this state, the wiser and added absolute my choices accept become and all things in my activity seems to abatement added and added into abode after me banishment them! (Like hitting the bull's eye after aggravating to!) I'm action appealing good! The traumas and aphotic canicule assume like abroad memories! That being I was again seems like anyone abroad now! Like anyone I had a dream about a continued time ago!
That's my adventure and I'm afraid to it! What's your story? Maybe you can do what I did, maybe you can't! But, no one knows what you can do until you do it, not even you!
May the ablaze never cease to lighten you mind!